Thursday, December 07, 2006

Holiday Eating Tips

I'm in a bit of a funky mood so I'll just give you some holiday tips that were passed on to me yesterday.

1. Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where they're serving rum balls.

2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. Like fine Single-malt scotch, it's rare. In fact, it's even rarer than single-malt Scotch. You can't find it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who Cares that it has 10,000 calories in every sip? It's not as if you're going To turn into an eggnog-alcoholic or something. It's a treat. Enjoy it. Have one for me. Have two.

3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That's the whole point Of gravy. Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy . Eat the volcano. Repeat.

4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made with skim milk or whole milk. If it's skim, pass. Why bother? It's like buying a sports car with an automatic transmission.

5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to eat other people's food for free. Lots of it. Hello?

6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Year's. You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do. This is the time for long naps, which you'll need after circling the buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.

7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position yourself near them and don't budge. Have as many as you can before becoming the center of attention. They're like a beautiful pair of shoes. If you leave them behind, you're never going to see them again.

8. Same for pies. Apple. Pumpkin. Mincemeat. Have a slice of Each. Or if you don't like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always have three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert? Labor Day? I didn't think so.

9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it's loaded with the mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean, have Some standards.

10. One final tip: If you don't feel terrible when you leave the Party or get up from the table, you haven't been paying attention. Re-read tips; Start over, but hurry, January is just around the corner.

Remember this motto to live by: Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways chocolate in one hand, Oreo Bon Bons in the other, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO HOO what a ride!"

Have a great holiday season!


uncle joe said...

Okay, put the maters back.

This is your funniest post ever.

Have you ever dipped fruitcake into eggnog?
Me neither..
well, just once, but I was way too drunk to remember if it was good or not...
Put the lemon and cilantro back now!

Leslee said...

Uncle Joe, you are not the boss of me!

No, I've never dipped fruitcake into eggnog, but if you want, next time I see you I'll try to dip you in eggnog. I've never had real eggnog that I know of either. Just the stuff you buy at Braums. I don't remember getting wasted on it so it probably wasn't the real thing.

uncle joe said...

okay, it's a date.
Eggnog dipped Uncle Joe.
Next time we see you we're gonna spike whatever you're drinking...

Funky-Redhead said...

Great ending sentiment!Woo-hoooooo!

Jenn said...

In the hopes of finally understanding exactly what mincemeat is, I read the label on a can of mincemeat. It said, Ingredients: mincemeat.

Whatever it is, it just sounds too gross to be a dessert.

uncle joe said...

Jenn is right.
Mincemeat Pie is a punishment.

Leslee said...

Here Jenn, from

1. a mixture composed of minced apples, suet, and sometimes meat, together with raisins, currants, candied citron, etc., for filling a pie.
2. anything cut up very small, esp. meat.

So, yeah Jenn, sounds pretty gross to me.

Uncle Joe, I'm trying to figure you out. 3 comments in one day! I'm not complaining, I'm rather enjoying the attention.

Aunt Jo said...

I'll have you know LESLEE, that I AM a recovering eggnogaholic. I have been attending meetings for 15 years now. That is where I met Uncle Joe. He was my counselor and we decided to kick the eggnog habit together. He was having 2 gallons a day while I had not reached his level yet, I was well on my way at a half a gallon a day. We fought off the calorie intake by our intense cage-fighting classes. I can still kick his bootie unless he is in his Bat-suit and at that point, I just swoon.

When I am near Santa shaped cookies, I just eat their heads off and leave the rest and watch the reaction of the person that comes next.....

uncle joe said...

Uncle Joe is going stir crazy in this house.
Have you ever seen "The Shining?"

Jodes said...

ooooh rum balls, how do i get to that party........ :)

Leslee said...

Aunt Jo, you really should sell your story rights to TNT so they could make a movie of the week about you! I would pay a good $.50 to see it. Who would you want playing the part of you and Joe?

Uncle Joe, I prefer mine shaken not stirred. And I haven't seen The Shining. Is it any good?

Jodes, I'm not sure what a rum ball is but it sounds better then the Cowboy Koolaid that guy tried to give me one time.

uncle joe said...

How do you feel about being so popular?
I USED to be popular,pity party for me...