Sunday, November 13, 2005

Running Away

I remember the first time I ran away from home. Actually I think it was the only time I ran away from home. I don't remember if I had had a fight with my big brother or I just wanted attention. I'm not sure, probably the later. I packed a bag and decided to leave. I didn't know where I was going or how I was going to get there. We lived in the middle of the woods far from town. I made it to the side of the house. There I sat under my brother's window debating on what to do next. Inside I could hear him talking or praying. Maybe he saw me sitting outside his window, he never confessed that he did so I don't know. I don't remember what he said but I decided to go back inside. I didn't talk to him or anything. Instead I went to my room, shut the door and took a nap. No one ever knew I ran away from home. Probably the best decision I ever made.

But there are times, like this weekend, when I really want to run away, all by myself, and get lost-forever. To see just how far my credit cards can take me. You see, my precious Peanut isn't always so precious. She is Jekel and Hyde. Maybe that's what I should've named her... Can 5 year olds suffer from split personality disorder? One moment she can be sweet and loving, we're getting along great and the next she's throwing a fit for all the neighbors to witness. I try to be stern. Not put up with such behavior. But due to the system in America there's not a whole lot I can do except take her toys away from her (which is done on a regular basis I don't even want to know how many dollars worth I throw out with Thursday trash), not let her watch TV, or make her go to bed 30 minutes early which means about a hour before it's time to get up she'll be waking me up.... This weekend I was so scared at what the neighbors might say or do after witnessing her fit in the front yard that I called a friend to come over just to sit with me until Nickel got home. Did I plan on hurting my child? Heavens no, never once crossed my mind! But I don't know that even inside she couldn't be heard half a block away the way she was carrying on! I hate it! I don't use the word hate very often, but I hate the way she acts when she turns into this other person. And it makes me angry that there is a system out there to "protect" our children and they do this by striking fear in the hearts of the parents. I've made mistakes! I've made bad mistakes and was punished for them but now, for the rest of my life I am forced to look over my shoulder to see who's watching and misinturperting what I'm doing. It sucks! I feel so helpless! It suck so bad it makes me want to scream and run away. But will running away really solve anything? I doubt it. That's why I haven't done it. No matter where I go this will forever follow me. I think I need a good night sleep, hey it worked all those years ago when I wanted to run away from hom, maybe it'll work for me now.

Sweet dreams world!


Cindy said...

Bless your heart...I had a little girl just like that. She's 20 now and she's still just like that. I guess with some people (especially girls), it never goes away. Some moments she's just as sweet as she can be and the next, she's evil incarnate. Hey, I used to discipline her constantly. I didn't even pay attention to the growing trend of not spanking your child. I think my family thought I never disciplined her but trust me, she got more spankings than they knew.

Nowadays, I just chalk it up to hormones and go on.

My grandma used to say:

There was a little girl
Who had a little curl
Right in the middle of her forehead
When she was good
She was very, very good
And when she was bad, she was HORRID!

Keep your cool and maintain control...of her and yourself.

Love ya, Sis.

Leslee said...

LOL! That poem is one of Peanut's favorite and she makes me tell it to her all the time. So, you're saying that as long as I don't run away I can survive?

Girl said...

I ran away from home once. I think I was in 4th grade and I walked all the way around the block and sat on the curb in front of the house that was directly behind our house. So really, I felt like I had run pretty far away, but I was closer to my home than anywhere else on the block.

I also got a spanking after that incident and many other times. It is difficult to not let the world affect your choices, especially when it seems like someone is always watching, waiting for you to mess up, but it is not their life or their is yours. And therefore, your decision.

If it helps you feel better, my sister was a terror of sorts sometimes....but now she's a minister :)

Leslee said...

Thanks Girl. I know she's destined for greatness... if she can just get there!

And I know that I shouldn't worry about what the world thinks, but the world has been in my business before (I'm STILL paying off the lawyer two years later...he's a really nice man) and I just don't want them back in my business!

~Jennifer said...

Sweetie, maybe you do need to run away from home for just a little while. I run away about once a year. I either go away with girlfriends or visit family in Minnesota. I've been to Memphis, the beach, and Spokane, Washington, all in the name of "running away". A nice side benefit to my annual vacations is that my husband misses me so much he does wonderful things like cleaning the whole house, steam cleaning the carpets, and buying new mini blinds. I always come home to a sparkling clean house. He's a sweetie. Every mom needs a vacation once in a while!

Ayatollah Mugsy said...

I have run away from home many times, but I never venture farther than the front yard. The lure of Milkbones is always too much to resist.