I remember the first time I ran away from home. Actually I think it was the only time I ran away from home. I don't remember if I had had a fight with my big brother or I just wanted attention. I'm not sure, probably the later. I packed a bag and decided to leave. I didn't know where I was going or how I was going to get there. We lived in the middle of the woods far from town. I made it to the side of the house. There I sat under my brother's window debating on what to do next. Inside I could hear him talking or praying. Maybe he saw me sitting outside his window, he never confessed that he did so I don't know. I don't remember what he said but I decided to go back inside. I didn't talk to him or anything. Instead I went to my room, shut the door and took a nap. No one ever knew I ran away from home. Probably the best decision I ever made.
But there are times, like this weekend, when I really want to run away, all by myself, and get lost-forever. To see just how far my credit cards can take me. You see, my precious Peanut isn't always so precious. She is Jekel and Hyde. Maybe that's what I should've named her... Can 5 year olds suffer from split personality disorder? One moment she can be sweet and loving, we're getting along great and the next she's throwing a fit for all the neighbors to witness. I try to be stern. Not put up with such behavior. But due to the system in America there's not a whole lot I can do except take her toys away from her (which is done on a regular basis I don't even want to know how many dollars worth I throw out with Thursday trash), not let her watch TV, or make her go to bed 30 minutes early which means about a hour before it's time to get up she'll be waking me up.... This weekend I was so scared at what the neighbors might say or do after witnessing her fit in the front yard that I called a friend to come over just to sit with me until Nickel got home. Did I plan on hurting my child? Heavens no, never once crossed my mind! But I don't know that even inside she couldn't be heard half a block away the way she was carrying on! I hate it! I don't use the word hate very often, but I hate the way she acts when she turns into this other person. And it makes me angry that there is a system out there to "protect" our children and they do this by striking fear in the hearts of the parents. I've made mistakes! I've made bad mistakes and was punished for them but now, for the rest of my life I am forced to look over my shoulder to see who's watching and misinturperting what I'm doing. It sucks! I feel so helpless! It suck so bad it makes me want to scream and run away. But will running away really solve anything? I doubt it. That's why I haven't done it. No matter where I go this will forever follow me. I think I need a good night sleep, hey it worked all those years ago when I wanted to run away from hom, maybe it'll work for me now.
Sweet dreams world!