Wednesday, March 29, 2006

It's Wednesday

Today, according to the calendar sitting on my desk, it is Wednesday. Not very exciting.

Yesterday I had lunch with a couple of my friends from church. We had a wonderful visit. We talked about kids, husbands, and life in general. Then one friend asked, 'is this how you expected your life to turn out'. What a question. Ever since I've been chasing rabbits in my own mind.

Is this how you expected your life to turn out?

My answer was simply, no. No, it is not. I dreamed of bigger and better things.

I never imagined living in Enid aka the edge of Nowhere, USA. Oh, don't get me wrong. There's nothing wrong with Enid. From what I've seen it has a decent school system. There some crime, but where is there not? Enid is perfectly fine for raising children. It's just not where I expected to raise children.

Speaking of children, I never expected to have only one, I always thought I'd have two at least and maybe three. But one is what I've got. That's it. That's all. The end. At least according to my husband and I'm too old fashioned to go against what he wants.

Speaking of husbands, I love mine very dearly and wouldn't trade him for the whole world. At least on most days. But still, I expected more... I don't know what word or group of words I'm looking for... just something... more.

How many times have I heard, "You create your own destiny." I really wish we were given a crystal ball at graduation instead of a diploma so that we can look and see what to expect. And for every decision you make you could see how it's going to effect your whole life!

When I was 18/19 I wanted so desperatly to be a wife. In my mind there was nothing as important. I gave up on school (I tried to go back but it was so much harder). I gave up on other dreams. I will probably never get to travel like I once dreamed of because I have to work full time to pay the bills and there never seems to be enough money left over to save for trips. No, now I'm too busy for all those things and life is passing me by. In a few years I will be thirty. The age doesn't bother me so much as the fact that I look back and wonder what I was doing in my twenties........ being a grown up. Yes, I'm finally taking dance, which at age 5 was what I desperatly wanted. Will EVERYTHING be twenty some years later? I wish I had that guarentee.

But there are friends that I've made along the way that I never expected either. And to quote a favorite poems, "That has made all the difference."

No, friend, this is NOT how I expected my life to turn out.


the sojourning pilgrim said...

What do you mean, not very exciting?? You have choir rehearsal tonight, don't you??

Jackie said...

leslee, I didn't realise you were so young.

I know how you feel, I'm 22 and married for almost 2 years now. I never expected to be living back in my home town (still trying to except that). However, I love my life. But I also know that the things that I expected to do (ie, it was always my plan to move to miami) I would have enjoyed.

I think that the trick is just to be content with the path that we are on.

It's hard to not look back though, isn't it?

Leslee said...

So Journing Pilgrim, I think the BEST part about Wednesday is my after-work schedule.

1. Peanut goes to ballet (I get to read)

2. Church (always good for the soul)

3. Choir practice (my favorite people singing beautiful songs while the angel visiting earth play piano)

Jackie, I am getting old (but I surround myself with older people) I can't believe you're only 22!
Yes, it's hard not to look back and say, "i wonder what would have happened if I had..."

Natala said...

i so understand... for me every single thing that i thought life would be, changed, completely.... sometimes that is good :)

Phi Phi said...

Hi Leslee,
I'd found out your blog accidentally for about 2 weeks ago and I have kept reading yours every day since then. I know that you are much older than my age but I don't know why I find it very interesting to read your stories. They are all very real, very honest, and touchful. Maybe that's the reasons why I like your blog. I'd been to America once, in Alabama, to study for about 9 months. I went to church there and I love church's activities and all the people who involve with church since then.
I wanted to leave comments on your blogs for several times but then I deleted... I was afraid because I'm a stranger... Anyway, just want to let you know that you've got a secret reader ;D
P.S. Please forgive me if my English is not good :O)

Leslee said...

Natala and Phi Phi, welcome to my little corner of the blogsphere.

I always get excited when I met new people, even if it's just online.

Phi Phi, you are very kind, thank you.

Cindy said...

Actually my life is better than I expected it to be. I always wanted to be a wife and mother. I got that by the time I was 21 but by 23 I was a divorced mother of two babies.

After 10 years of struggling alone (moving back with my parents a few times), Prince Charming and I found each other. Now, I have a job that suits me fine (better and better these days :0) ), a home in a rural town in northwest Oklahoma (which some people might cringe at but I love), and am very satisfied with where I'm at.

I think a key to happiness is not always looking for the bigger better deal but to find satisfaction where you are. Then if you need to take steps to improve things or change them, do that. But be happy where you are, too.

bjk said...

It's not over yet....!!!

Pilot Mom said...

Like you, Leslee, I never thought I would have only one child. :) I wanted 6. As it is, I'm thankful for my one!

No, my life didn't turn out at all like I expected. One thing, I never thought I would end up living in Utah and being a missionary. Lol! The Lord certainly has a sense of humor.

I agree so much with the comments above. We need to learn to be content in the circumstances we are in. Contentment is a learned thing. And it does not necessarily come easy. But, it is definitely worth it to learn it!